Look Past the Words - Mastering Non-Verbal Communication

A lot of bad decisions start with one bad read on a person. The sooner you know what to expect from someone, the less you have to learn the hardway.

The easiest way to misread someone is to notice something real.

You ask someone a straightforward question and they give you a vague answer.

That feels like it means something. Maybe it does.

But before you decide what, ask yourself something simpler:

Is this normal for them?

Compare People to Themselves

One person barely talks at dinner or sitting because that is how he or she always is. Another normally carries the conversation, then goes quiet the second a certain name or topic comes up.

Same behavior. Very different information.

A slow reply, a flat tone, warmth, hesitation, or defensiveness can all feel revealing before you know what normal looks like for that person. First impressions are especially easy to overread because you see the behavior before you know whether it is unusual.

If someone takes hours to reply to everyone, him taking hours to reply to you does not tell you much. If someone is normally quick and clear, then becomes slow and vague around one subject, the change is worth noticing.

So before you build a story around the exception, get a rough sense of their normal.

How direct are they usually? How quickly do they commit? What are they like when they disagree?

You need enough of a reference point to notice when something is actually different.

When something does change, look at the situation too.

Watch What Changes Them

A friend is easygoing about changing plans when the change saves him twenty minutes. Then the change costs him twenty minutes, and suddenly the original plan matters a lot to him now.

You still do not know why. Maybe, he had a bad day, or there is something else you can not see.

What you do know is that he became less flexible once the inconvenience became his. 

Other times, the situation changes and their behavior does not.

Someone asks you for help. You sincerely can not do it this time. He says no problem, and the next time you see him, he treats you exactly the same.

That matters too.

Some people change a lot when the audience changes, when the cost becomes theirs, or when there is nothing left to gain. Others stay much more consistent.

You don not need to know why yet.

See What Happens Next Time

A friend keeps talking about a weekend trip he wants to take with you.

He sends places to stay. Checks Transportation. Sounds completely in.

Then it is time to book, and suddenly he gets vague.

One time could mean almost anything. Maybe money got tight, something came up, or this particular trip stopped sounding worth it.

So you leave it there.

A few months later, another plan starts the same way. He is excited while you are talking about it. Once dates need to be chosen and money needs to be spent, the enthusiasm fades.

By then, his next enthusiastic YES should not count for as much as the first one did.

You still do not know why he does it. Maybe even he does not.

But you know something useful: his excitement while a plan is abstract is not strong evidence that he will still be in once the commitment becomes real.

That should change how you plan with him.

One strange interaction can make you suspicious of someone who did nothing wrong. But if that change keeps showing up in similar situations, you eventually have to stop treating each repitition like a fresh coincidence.

At that point, the more important question is not why he does it.

It is what should you do with what you have seen.

Stop Trying to Solve the Person

The temptation is to turn a pattern into a character verdict: selfish, insecure, unreliable. That can feel like you have figured them out.

Usually you have just moved past what the evidence can actually tell you.

Take the friend who keeps getting excited about plans.

You do not need to decide what kind of person he is. You already know the part that matters for the next trip: his early enthusiasm is wak evidence that he will still be in when it is time to book.

So do not build your own weekend around his yes yet.

Or maybe someone at work speaks openly with you one-on-one, then becomes much less direct when certain people enter the room.

You could spend months deciding whether he is intimidated, protecting himself, or just being fake. Or you could notice that his candor changes with the audience and ask what you need to know before the room changes.

That is a better read because it changes what you do.

You will still get people wrong sometimes. But you can stop making large judgment from one vivid moment and stop ignoring the same pattern once you have seen enough of it.

Yoy may never know exactly why someone changes in a certain situation.

Reading people better is not knowing what is in their head.

It is knowing what you have to expect when that situation comes around again.